Hello Special People
We were sent the following article in a newsletter we received this week. I so, so, so related to it so much and enjoyed such a belly laugh that I wanted to share for each of you to enjoy. Thank you, Lorelle.
My Annual Torture - courtesy Lorelle
I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as buying a swimsuit. When I was a child in the fifties, bathing suits for a woman with a mature figure were designed for a woman with a mature figure/boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and did a good job. Today’s stretch fabrics are designed for the pre-pubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip, so the mature woman has a choice: she can either front up at the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt coming away looking like a hippopotamus who has escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to select something sensible for what amounts to a designer range of florescent rubber bands. What choice did I have?
I wandered around, made my sensible selection and entered the chamber of horrors known as the Fitting Room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material – the lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot. This has the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you will be protected from shark attack because any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash. I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap into place, I gasped in horror – my bosom had disappeared! Eventually, I found one bosom cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other: I eventually located it flattened inside my seventh rib.
The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across her chest like a speed hump. I realigned my speed hump and lurched towards the mirror to take a full view assessment. The bathing suit fitted alright – but unfortunately, it only fitted those bits of me willing tostay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap.
While I was trying to work out where all the extra bits had come from, the pre-pubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtains. "Oh, there you are!" she said, "That really suits you," I replied that I wasn’t so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape: and a floral two-piece that made me look like an oversized napkin in a serviette ring. I struggled into a leopard skin suit and came out looking like Tarzan’s Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day. I tried on a black number with a cut-out midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning and a bright pink one with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear it.
Finally, I found a suit which fitted – a two-piece affair with shorts-style bottom and a loose bloused-type top. It wasn't cheap, but it was comfortable and bulge friendly, so I bought it. My agonizing search had a successful outcome! When I took it out of the bag at home, I found a label that said, "Material will become transparent in water."
Maybe after Covid, this clever article may resonate and bring a smile. Until next week take care and stay safe as we send blessings for peace, health and happiness.
Cheers Annette
About The Author
Annette French
I have been with Nutrimetics for 35 rewarding years. As a Presidential Director, I am proud to lead a vast team of incredible people. Proud mother of two and doting granny to 6 beautiful grandkids Devoted wife to my loving husband of 52 years, John . An avid gardener and self-confessed flower lover. My greatest garden though has been in real life, nourishing and helping others to grow and achieve greatness.
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